At the end of October a few friends and I decided that it was time to vacate Ukraine as we had all been here for more than a year and that was cause enough for a celebration if not a vacation.  We rendezvoused in L’viv and then attempted to purchase tickets for the night train to Bucharest.  Attempt is always the verb of choice when describing any activity in Ukraine.  A simple trip to the bazaar or if god willing a supermarket is always a sort of hope, wait and see event.  Sure you want to make curry for dinner but are the bazaar gods smiling?  If not you’ll be eating borsch and mashed potatoes until you are once again in their favor.  Well buying tickets is no different.  We met up at the train ticket office and as my family can attest this is nothing compared to anything you’d find in a more western civilization.

The somewhat friendly lady behind the window told us that the only train to Bucharest didn’t leave till the following night, which seeing how we didn’t really have any plans wasn’t a big deal but there was a train to the border where we could pick up a mini-bus to take us into Romania.  We decided that waiting a day was unnecessary and attempted (again nothing is certain) to aquire tickets on the last night train to the border, witch oddly reached the border before the train that left an hour and half before it.  I guess that old math question that we all struggled with (you know if a train 1 leaves station “A” headed for station “B” at 9 O’clock and train 2 leaves at 10:30 what time will they meet eachother…) is just as confusing as it always was.  However the later train origninated in Poland and we could not buy a ticket on the train until the train crossed the border, because that makes all the sense in the world. 

We then decided that while we waited we should at least check out the bus schedule to see if there was a night bus (I know the country club kid has fallen I actually consider a night bus when planning a vacation, though Erin and I did take a 19 hour bus across Turkey followed by 10 hours of AlItalia this summer). Well the lady at the bus office decided that 5:30 was close enough to 6:00 so she closed early and none of us was feeling up to running out of town on a bus at 6pm to check if there was a bus.  So we took our chances, always a risky move when dealing with Ukrainian trains.  Luckily karma was on our side and the friendly lady at the train station kept watch on the train and as soon as it crossed the border she booked us tickets and we didn’t even have to wait in line, we got to cut! 

The train arrived at the border at about 4am and after a quick cup of vending machine coffee for breakfast we jumped in a cab that died at least 10 times as it struggled to start in the freezing weather.  We arrived at the deserted bus depot which can only be described as the seediest thing I have ever willingly paid money to go to.  Lucky for us there was a bus, the only bus, waiting and surprise it was heading to Romania!  Without question we hopped in and paid the $10 and were on our way to a vacation to remember.

Now my family can describe the Polish border for you in more detail but essentially it is a smugglers paradise.  Granny’s and teenagers and everyone in between all tape, cram and shove cigarettes all over their bodies and then trek to Poland to sell them and make about $0.50 a pack.  The Romanian border however is nirvana for smugglers, second only to the much more corrupt Moldovan border.  Our convenient bus turned out to be full of heroin smugglers taking the daily delivery across the border before the sun rose.  The all looked like nice middle aged ladies you’d be inivited over to for tea, but the amount of $100 bills and suspicious bags revealed their true identitity.

While keeping a steady eye on our bags and passports we crossed the border.  The Ukers pass up about $50 each to the driver and then hand off even more to the Ukrainian guards.  We stand around watching all of this wondering what we were supposed to do and where we fit-in in this mix of international trafficking and crime.  Luckily the surly guard pointed out our role, the only fools to get hassled by the border guards.  We all got hauled into customs and were subjected to about 50 questions each ranging from what we do in Ukraine to where have we been outside of Ukraine and what we ate for breakfast last Wednesday.  To make matters worse I had a new passport because my last went in the washing machine and the new one didn’t have an entry stamp as it was issued at the embassy.  I attempted to explain this but this meant nothing to them.  My more fluent friend reiterated the story and again they didn’t get it.  I then said that if they had a problem we could call the embassy.  After another 10 minutes of discussion about our favorite food….we were allowed to leave.

The Romanian border was much more organized.  Those smuggling drugs were required to stay outside the van while those not smuggling had their passports stamped and were allowed to get out of the cold and return to the van.  We of course put our faces up against the glass and watched the smugglers like kids at the zoo.  We watched about $3,000 pass from the Ukers to the Romanians and then a bunch of handshakes, high-fives and exchanges of cigarettes between the smugglers and the guards.  Apparently these people go back a long way.  I hope someone at the EU is reading this and realizes that the frontier of the EU is going to need a lot of help form Brussels if there is going to be any hope of stemming the tide of elicit goods streaming into the EU.

We then high-tailed it to Suchava and only made one stop in a dark, isolated driveway along the way so the driver could make a drop of some money and God knows what else.  Luckily we survived with our passports, money and innocence intact.  The rest of the trip was nearly uneventful that is until we tried to return to Ukraine.

Realizing how nice Romania was we should have come to the conclusion right away that heading to a less civilized country was going to be work as who would want to go from better to worse?  We go to the bus/train station in Brasov early and found out quickly that there was a bus leaving at noon to the city we need in Ukraine.  Great we thought, so we headed to the nearest pastry shop and stuffed our faces with éclairs, croissants and anything else we could get our hands on (thinking of you Aunt Crazy the whole time!).  Well we got back to the bus station paid our fare and then took our seats.  We then discovered that the bus was not heading to Ukraine but rather Moldova where we would have to buy a visa and then hope there was another bus to Ukraine that night.  Realizing right away this was the dumbest plan we struggled to get out money back and were told by the ticket guy that we were stupid and knew nothing.  We might not be Isaac Newton but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was the express bus to disaster so we got off when we could.  Yet upon further investigation we got back on as it did get us to another town where we hoped we could catch a bus/train to the border where we could catch another bus/train to Ukraine where we hoped we could catch out train back home. We had 10 hours to get to Ukraine and looking at the map figured that for sure we could make two connections and cross a border in that time.

We got to connection one, Baku, and at first glance it looked like we had stumpled into the perfect impromptu travel schedule.  The posted schedule said that we had only twenty minutes to wait before the next bus.  We grabbed lunch and then waited, waited, waited and waited some more.  After the bus was 40 minutes late we decided to investigate.  Apparently the posted schedule was out of date and the last bus to the town we needed left two hours before we got to Baku.  So a good four hours up shit creek with not a paddle in sight we did what all dumb tourists do when the can’t speak the language.  We asked everyone all at once if there was anyone who spoke English.  Luckily we found one and explained our predicament.  He told us that we were as presumed, screwed and that we should head to the train station because that was our best bet.  So we hoped in a cab and made the international gesture for train station (choot choot, whistle whistle).  The cabbie understood and we were off.

Again it was as if we stumbled into the perfect timetable.  Just as we walked onto the platform a tain to the border was arriving.  We made a mad dash to the ticket counter and bought tickets and then jumped on the train as it was pulling out of the station.  At this point we had 4 hours and 10 minutes to get to our train in Ukraine. We figured that the train took two hours and the border would be thirty minutes and the bus ride to Ukraine another hour and ten, plenty of time to buy tickets and grab the train.  Well we arrived at the border with two hours and thirty minutes to make the border crossing and grab the train, even more time than originally thought.  Did we once again stumble into the perfect timetable…not even close!  The next bus wasn’t until 1pm the following day a full 18 hours later!  We tried to hire a car but decided that was dicey as it would only take us as far as the actual border where there we’d have to hitchhike into Ukraine, not something any of us wanted to do after dark in the middle of nowhere in a country where we didn’t speak the language.  So we went to McD’s got dinner and checked into a hotel admitting defeat but relishing all three stars of our home for the night.  The next day we got the bus, made the train and were back in L’viv at the lovely hour of 1am. But we did make four Romanian friends on the way and helped them and some lost American missionaries buy tickets.  Esentially it was just another long weekend in the God forsaken corner of the world that I have the good forturne to call home for the next 13 months.

While I don’t know what I am going to do when I get back to the US I think that after this adventure I am more than qualified to tryout of “Amazing Race.”  So if any of you know the producers, put a good word in for me and get read to watch me kick some ass.

Stay tuned…

Andy

p.s. Thanks to all of you that have answered the call to donate books, I and my school really appreciate your help!!